Dr Pepper Will Give Everyone* in America a Free Soda If Axl Rose Releases New Guns N' Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, In 2008

*Guitarists Slash and Buckethead Will Not Be Eligible For Free Soda

PLANO, Texas, March 26 -- Tired of a world in which Americans idolize wannabe singers and musicals about high schoolers pass as rock 'n roll music, Dr Pepper is encouraging (ok, begging) Axl Rose to finally release his 17-year-in-the-making belabored masterpiece, Chinese Democracy, in 2008.

In an unprecedented show of solidarity with Axl, everyone in America, except estranged GNR guitarists Slash and Buckethead, will receive a free can of Dr Pepper if the album ships some time -- anytime! -- in 2008. Dr Pepper supports Axl, and fully understands that sometimes you have to make it through the jungle before you get it right.

"It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper's special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love," said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. "So we completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection -- for something more than the average album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as "Dr Pepper for the ears" because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds -- an instant classic."

Show your support for Axl and get on the nightrain of encouragement at www.chinesedemocracywhen.blogspot.com

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company


Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

Just give ME your money!!!

As my (unbeknownst) three part series on fucked-up-things-I-found-and-observed-on-the-net comes to a close (and I attempt to recall another clever anecdote about my college days) I turn my (completely confused and ultimately irate) eyes to the world of eBay-ing.

I've been a fan of eBay since the moment I heard of it. As a pack rat and collector of (not really) valuable and/or interesting music, books and film (et. al) I equally love and hate the eBeast. There is definitely a small part of me that longs for the days when you actually had to LEAVE HOME to find rare and generally strange (junk) objects, but at the same time, GIVE ME WHAT I WANT NOW!

I generally buy and sell the aforementioned trivial items and have never really ventured into the...uh...exotic. I recalled someone once selling their soul and another their dignity and self respect for the cheap, so I decided to dig a bit deeper. Holy Shit.

All I can say before you see these "items" is this: If any of these appeal to you or put you in the mood to get into a bidding war I can save you the trouble, just send ME the god damned money! You obviously don't need it if you are willing to spend it on this bullshit.


Chicken Finger Shaped like a cock & balls $9.02

Obama Miracle Toast $67.60

The Great State of Nevada Corn Flake $9.99




Pirate Rot or Something Weird or Craft Material for ? $5.00

Bear Grylls “I drink piss” button (Rare)!! $4.99

(Not Pictured) Lucky Salami Slice $50.00

My Broken TOOTH!!! $3.50

Coupon for FROSTED CORN FLAKES, ALL STATES socks $1,250.00

ORANGE DOT....................IMPULSE BUY! $1.00





I can't continue. It's all just so ridiculous. Too much time, too much money...ugh.

Weird-a-pedia

While working on my previous entry I found that rooting around the
net, and in particular Wikipedia, can be very enlightening.

The real basic stuff; a list of Homer Simpson's Jobs,
a bio on Hunter S.Thompson, information on chaos theory and such was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. As time went on and page after page was flipped I began to realize the girth of information and limitless comedy hidden within the site.

What follows is what I came across in 8 to 10 hours of completely
random searching. Odd as they may seem I'm sure (with a few hours to kill) your finds could easily trump my own. But still, enjoy:

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"
is a grammatically correct sentence. Sentences of this type,
although not in such a refined form, have been known for a long time.
A classic example is the proverb "Don't trouble trouble until
trouble troubles you".

Tomacco is originally a fictional food that is half tomato and half
tobacco, from the 1999 episode "E-I-E-I-Do'h" of the animated
television series The Simpsons. The tomacco became real when it
was produced in 2003. The tomacco is one of the few made-up words in
The Simpsons that resulted in real life application.

Morton's toe is the common term for the second toe (second from
innermost) extending further than the great toe.

Mike the Headless Chicken (April 1945 – March 1947) was a Wyandotte rooster (cockerel) that lived for 18 months after its head had been cut off. Thought by many to be a hoax, the bird was taken by its owner to the University of Utah in Salt Lake City to establish its authenticity.

Logorrhoea is defined as an “excessive flow of words” and, when used medically, refers to incoherent talkativeness that occurs in certain kinds of mental illness, such as mania. The spoken form of logorrhoea is a kind of verbosity that uses superfluous or fancy words to disguise a useless or simple message as useful or intellectual, and is commonly known as “diarrhea of the mouth.”

Dark Side of the Rainbow (also known as Dark Side of Oz or
The Wizard of Floyd) is the name used to refer to the act of
listening to the 1973 Pink Floyd album The Dark Side of the Moon
while watching the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz for moments where
the film and the album appear to correspond with each other.

Dwarf tossing is a bar attraction in which dwarfs wearing special
padded clothing or Velcro costumes are thrown onto mattresses or at
Velcro-coated walls. Participants compete to throw the dwarf the
farthest. The term "dwarf throwing" is sometimes used.

The Principle of Evil Marksmanship (also known as the Stormtrooper Effect among Star Wars fans) is that enemy marksmen in action films are often very bad shots and almost never harm the main characters. Defined as: “ The bad guys are always lousy shots in the movies. Three villains with Uzis will go after the hero, spraying thousands of rounds which miss him, after which he picks them off with a handgun.

Lewis is the name of a cat from Fairfield, Connecticut who garnered
mass media attention for being placed under house arrest in March 2006.

DISH is a town in Denton County, Texas, United States. The town has
a population of approximately 345. Formerly called Clark, the town
was officially renamed DISH (all capital letters) on November 16,
2005. In exchange for renaming the town, all residents of the town have
received free basic television service for ten years and a free DVR
from DISH Network.

Fan death is a South Korean urban legend which states that an electric fan, if left running overnight in a closed room, can result in the death (by suffocation, poisoning, or hypothermia) of those inside. This belief also extends to air conditioners. Fans manufactured and sold in Korea are equipped with a timer switch that turns them off after a set number of minutes, which users are frequently urged to set when going to sleep with a fan on.