How To Turn Your Car Into an Unstoppable Killing Machine in 8 Easy Steps!

Step 1. Fill The Trunk With Live Bees
Pop the trunk and surprise your enemies with a deadly bee attack!

Step 2. Attach A Pair of AK-47's To The Windshield Wipers
Be sure to have twine attached to the triggers. That way when you turn on the wipers the gunfire will activate and and spray outward!

Step 3. Tie Angry Grizzly Bears To The Front, Rear, and Sides Of Your Car*
Keep a water bottle handy. If the bears become docile, roll down the windows and squirt them in the eyes to keep them angry!

Step 4. Put A Boombox On The Roof and Play A "Scary Sounds of Halloween" Cassette Tape
Fear is the ultimate weapon!

Step 5. Soak The Tires In Yak's Blood
(For luck)

Step 6. Tape Several Dozen Steak Knives Together Into A Ball. Attach A Car Battery To Your "Knife Ball."
If an enemy approaches, deploy the : ROLLING LIGHTNING ATTACK!

Step 7. Keep A Running Chainsaw In Your Lap While You Drive
(For close encounters)

Step 8. Put On Your Best War Face
If your war face needs work, practice in the rear view mirror

Some things to consider

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the
English language.

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters "und."

There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary,
is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimau
ngahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.It was eliminated
when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.

Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the
book 'The Naked Lunch'.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein" the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw
up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it's mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully
ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways.The following sentence contains them all "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.

Shh...Every Taxi in Beijing Bugged With GPS-Tagging Microphone For Instant Surveillance

If you're in Beijing for the Olympics kick starting this weekend, don't be spilling any beans (state secrets or otherwise) in your cab back to the hotel, because you're being listened to. As the WSJ is reporting, on your taxi's dash is a microphone that can be activated remotely, at any time and without the driver's knowledge, for a live listen into any one of Beijing's estimated 70,000 cabs. And then, if the folks on the other end don't like what they hear, they can take things even further.

The GPS-equipped devices also allow for remote disabling by "cutting off the oil or electric supply," effectively shutting down the engine and keeping it from being restarted. Yikes.

Beijing police tow the general "it's for the driver's safety" line:

Whether these microphones are used to spy on riders is unclear. Asked if police could listen in on conversations in taxis, a Beijing police official declined to comment, saying that such matters were "confidential" and that they were "not supposed to release such details to the public."

As the State Department has warned, you can expect to be monitored in just about every other place, public or private. It's doubtful that every cab is being recorded at all times, but the tech is there if necessary. Comforting.

Several Beijing taxi companies declined to comment on the security aspect but said that the GPS helps track taxis and that the microphones will be used for translating services. About a dozen taxi drivers said the microphones were installed about three years ago, when newer cabs were built without protective metal cages around the drivers. Cabbies can turn on the system and alert their dispatch centers by touching a discreet button near the steering wheel.

Activists say they are concerned about the ability to listen to conversations with the devices, which appear unique to China. "This seems to suggest an effort by the police or other security forces to eavesdrop on conversations of passengers, rather than for the immediate safety and security of the taxi driver," said Phelim Kine of Human Rights Watch.

Wal-Mart Intercom Pranks

Wal-Mart stores can be so big and the workers seem so bored and the customers seem so harried and annoying. It seems like the perfect fertile ground to have a little fun at Walt's expense. Sometimes I just want to jump on the intercom and say something. But how does one get access?

I've found the answer. You can use the intercom from any one of the many telephones Wal-Mart provides around the sales floor. Even better, I've found the codes! Here is how you use the intercom at Wal-Mart:

• Pick up the phone
• Dial #96

You're now on the store intercom!

The proper way to use the store intercom, I mean, apart from the fact it is only supposed to be used by Wal-Mart employees, is to declare the code and the location. For instance, "Code White in Automotive". Here are a few helpful/hilarious things you can do with the Intercom.

Intercom Codes:

INTERCOM HOLD: Sometimes silence is golden. So if you pick up the phone, dial #96 and then hit hold, nobody can use the intercom until they figure out which phone is on hold.

CODE 1: This code is used for SHOPLIFTING!

CODE 10: Dry Spill.

CODE 20: Wet Spill.

CODE 90: Management Needed. That sounds useless.

CODE 99: This code implies that there is an emergency and all male employees are to immediately stop what they are doing and move to the announced location.

CODE 300: Security Needed. For grins, call Code 300 to the location you are currently at.

CODE ADAM: Code Adam is used to report a lost child. Technically, the store is supposed to shut all doors until the lost child is found. This sounds like fun until you realize that you are going to be trapped in a Wal-Mart for hours while they attempt to locate a missing child.

CODE BLACK: This code is used for severe weather. It's only used if something severe is happening such as tornadoes are bearing down on the store. All employees are supposed to immediately head to the fitting rooms at the center of the store. Wal-Mart doesn't like to use this code because it quite frankly, when the employees all leave, it leads to looting.

CODE BLUE A bomb scare.

CODE C: Customer service. A customer needs help in a location like housewares.

CODE GREEN: This code is used when there is a hostage in the store. Ask yourself, do you really want to shop at a store that needs to have a special code for a hostage situation?

CODE ORANGE: This is for a chemical spill. Water is a chemical.

CODE RED: This is used in case of a fire!

CODE WHITE: is used for an injury.

With knowledge comes power and responsibility. Use it wisely.

Shit Box: the solution to your festival/toilet-based worries

A portable toilet that folds back into your bag. Yuck.

It folds back into your bag and doubles as a stool (erm, nice wordplay).

McDonald's Makes Jesus Cry

There are billions and billions of reasons to hate McDonald's. They took the McRib away, for one, and that burns. (Sometimes I almost wish I'd never loved it at all.) There's at least one good reason to like McDonald's: They're being boycotted by the American Family Association.

What did McDonald's do to cross the AFA, its president, Donald Wildmon, and -- by extension -- Jesus (R-Nz.)? They donated $20,000 to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. McDonald's' revenue runs about five billion dollars a quarter, so you can see their profound commitment to destroying the family through sodomy.

The AFA says that by donating one thousandth of one percent of its 2007 earnings,

"McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda."

Which seems like a kind of shrill definition of "full weight," but maybe it's like the Quarter Pounder®, and it's the weight before cooking that counts.

It feels a little like the American Family Association was looking for someone to boycott and it was just McDonald's' turn. They've already boycotted Sears, Kohl's, Kmart, Target, Old Navy and IKEA. As a result, they're naked and don't have anywhere to sit. The McDonald's boycott follows boycotts of Burger King, Carl's Jr., 7-11, Proctor & Gamble and Kraft, which means Donald Wildmon hasn't eaten anything for sale in America since the late '70s. You'd think he'd be dead, but no.

(He's a good guy. I'll bet he loads up on locusts, beetles and grasshoppers, like it says in Leviticus. The same book that -- there's no getting around it -- says homosexuality is an abomination, absolutely as heinous in G*d's eyes as strong drink.)

Does the AFA hate homosexuals? Absolutely not! It says so, right on their website, under the heading and sub-head: "Does AFA Hate Homosexuals? Absolutely Not!"

Should McDonald's take the boycott seriously? The customer is always right, I guess. (I think that's from Deuteronomy.) But McDonald's might want to think about the kind of customers they're losing. They appear to be lunatics.

Oh look, here are some of their thoughts:

"YOU DID NOT BILD YOUR COMPANY ON HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE! IT WAS BUILD ON FAMILY VALUES! MAN,WIFE.CHILDREN!MOSTLTY CHILDREN! THEY DON'T COME FROM HOMO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What next, Adam & Steve in the children's happy meals? i WILL not condone the Corp. of Mc Donalds to force me to shop where it is not in lign with my believe in God and HIS scripture..."

"I have stopped at my last McDonald. If you support homos, that is fine with me. I do not have to eat your burgers. Maybe there are enough homos around to keep your arches open."

"I suppose next the playground will be open for pedifiles in order to not offend them."

"You have joined God's list of enemies!"

"What's next? Support for the Man-Boy Love Association! This shall not stand!"

"The McFaddin Family will vote with our Money and Feet and take our business elsewhere! You can stuff your Happy Gay Meal and Happy Gay Agenda where the Sun don't Shine!"

"If the McDonald's heirarchy thinks we'll buy their burgers and support deranged homosexual activists who force their lifestyle on innocent children in the public schools, they had better think again. Their burgers now have a smelly odor to them."

"You advertise straight to children (Happy Meals). Can anyone say pederasty? This lifestyle' you embolden is really a deathstyle!"

"The only thing you'll be cooking is yourselves, for eternity."

"the next thing you know RONALD will be molesting our children. No big macks for this family."

"Are you also going to support open activity between man and beast? You are helping to open the door to bestiality, sex with children, plural homosexual marriages and the list goes on!"

"Dear, McDonald's. Last week I ate a cheeseburger at your restaurant. If I would've known it was created by gay loving hands, I wouldn't have purchased it. Don't you guys know gays were behind the holocaust? First Jews, and now the family. What is next, McDonald's? Are you going to help gays eradicate sand? WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT SAND!?!?"

"I recently saw two young teenagers making out. I figure McDonalds is no longer my kind of place. I think the sixteen year old worked there."

I just had a thought -- honest to God, I swear this wasn't where I was heading with this thing; I was just going to make a lot of snotty remarks about reductio ad absurdum and the McFaddin Family's feet -- but it occurs to me that McDonald's has done something brilliant: They've deliberately offended a demographic they don't want.

For just $20,000, they've chased off all the crazy people who hang around McDonald's sputtering and ranting and making me not want to eat there.

It's genius.

Now, if they'd just bring back the McRib.

Crowd-Controlling MEDUSA Ray Gun Puts Voices Inside Your Head

The Sierra Nevada Corporation claimed this week that it is ready to begin production on the MEDUSA, a damned scary ray gun that uses the "microwave audio effect" to implant sounds and perhaps even specific messages inside people's heads. Short for Mob Excess Deterrent Using Silent Audio, MEDUSA creates the audio effect with short microwave pulses. The pulses create a shockwave inside the skull that's detected by the ears, and basically makes you think you're going balls-to-the-wall batshit insane. The MEDUSA can also "produce recognizable sounds" and is aimed primarily at military uses, but New Scientist revealed there are other uses in the works, too.

And if you're thinking ear plugs are this thing's Kryptonite, think again. Lee Sadovnik of Sierra Nevada Corp. said normal audio safety limits are off the table since the sound bypasses the eardrums and emanates from within the skull. "The repel effect is a combination of loudness and the irritation factor," he said. "You can’t block it out."

Wet blanket James Lin of the Electrical and Computer Engineering Department at the University of Illinois in Chicago wants more testing done, however, because of the perceived health ramifications of such a device. Lin said lower, whisper-level intensities work fine, but the higher incapacitating levels expected by the military could fry more than a few brains out on the battlefield. "I would worry about what other health effects it is having," Lin said. "You might see neural damage."

And those "other uses" hinted at above? Try subliminal advertising; or suggestive subconscious comments that you don't really "hear" but can influence decision-making anyway. Or, alternatively, the beam can be ramped up to 11 and just kill you outright. WIN!

Fun Gizmodo Fact: The MEDUSA is useless against a raging pack of schizophrenics.